Life, by Caroline

Maybe it is because it the last day of the month. Maybe it is because we are only one month in and 2012 already seems to be kicking my ass. Maybe it is because everyone else is doing it and I am starting to feel guilty about my anger. Either way, I am jumping on this bandwagon.

I am serious when I say 2012 has kicked my ass. I had such high hopes for 2012. It was going to be the year that everything was going to be coming up roses. I may have oversold, but even if I hadn’t, I’d have been disappointed by this month. And not just the month, but my behavior this month.

I could talk about all the ways I feel shitty. All the ways I am reacting poorly to things. All the expectations I have. All the things I have done wrong.

Instead, I want to talk about how I want to change. I am going to give everything I have to the things that are most important to me. I am going to try my best at work, but then I am going to leave that at the door when I leave. I am not going to allow others to be disrespectful of the work I am doing. And I am going to tell them to stop being disrespectful and then I am going to move on.

I am going to let things happen. The good things are going to be good and the bad things are going to be bad. But my reactions are going to be what is important. And I am going to fail at this a lot of the time. I am going to yell at cars who can’t change lanes. I am going to doubt myself and my abilities. I am going to feel bad when someone doesn’t like me or doesn’t treat me the way I expect to be treated. And I am going to cry, because that is what I do. But, then I am going to pick myself back up and not obsess over my reactions. I am going to move on from what made me mad or sad and I am going to try to be happy.

And when things happen to my family, I am going to be there for them. I am going to be there to cry for them or to celebrate them. My family is large and far reaching and isn’t just related by blood. And I will protect them forever. And I hope they do the same for me.

I am sick. I am going to accept being sick. I am going to do everything I can to get better. But, if that never happens and I hurt for the rest of my life and I am on this terrible medicine for the rest of my life, I am going to learn to live with it. I am a lot better off than a whole lot of people. And I am going to remember that and I am to stop being angry about my pain. It could be worse. And it will hopefully get better.

I am going to let go of the things I can’t change. I can’t change your feelings about me. I can’t change your actions towards me. And I can’t change the past. So let’s move on from our anger or move on from each other. 

I am going to let go. I am going to be happy. I am going to love. And I am going to hope the best for the rest of this year.

Today is the day I get to talk about how I don’t have cancer.

Let me repeat. I don’t have cancer. I saw the oncologist this morning and he said he is pretty sure I don’t need to see him for another few months. That is a good thing, he said. I am not sure I agree, because I basically love this doctor. He is so sweet and lovely and even though he left me waiting in a tiny exam room for an hour and a half, I still want him to be my everyday doctor. If anyone was going to tell me I have cancer, I would want it to be him. He is the best.

So, I don’t have cancer. Which means… we still don’t know what I have. But more weirdness came out of the appointment. Basically conflicting things… Like, I have an iron deficiency (totally unrelated and, btw, 15% of Americans have an iron deficiency. Most of them are women. Take your vitamins, kids!) But, usually with that iron deficiency, I would have very low bone marrow numbers. Mine are through the freaking roof. Like, I am producing 3 times as many bone marrow cells as a normal adult. THREE TIMES! No wonder I am so freaking exhausted constantly.

On to a new specialist. But, I am feeling closer. Like, really, amazingly closer to this being real and over and known. I don’t know if the known is going to be curable or treatable or whatever, but it has to be better than not knowing!

My amazing doctor referred me to the new specialist and when he handed me her card, he was like… I think she will figure this out. It isn’t like her specialty is rocket science. It made me laugh a lot, which is frankly something I rarely do at the doctors I visit.

These past few weeks have been harder than anything I have to deal with, not just because of my health. I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am optimistic.

Update: I put the Triscuits away, but now I brought them back out again.